Changing Your Partner – An Illusion or Reality?

Danstel September 22,2020 

The question – ‘’Changing your partner is it an illusion or a reality’’? It is a question that most singles are very optimistic they can achieve, while married people dance round it but mostly think it is an illusion.

The reality is that most married people started out being very optimistic about the changes they intend to effect in their partners. Having embarked on such journeys over time without much results to show for it, slowly but surely, they began to embrace reality.

Sometimes due to ignorance we all ascribe to love, what love really is not. I remember when I was younger, I thought if someone loves me, he should do anything I ask him to do. If I asked him to jump, he should only ask, “how high”? I also thought it was love, if my husband worshipped the very ground that I walked on. Looking back I think it is over-bloated ego that makes us think we can get people to do whatever we ask them to do.

The question then is, why do you need to maintain a level of control on your spouse? Is it healthy? Should it be desired? Is your ability to change a partner a measure of love? The truth is trying to change a partner doesn’t say much about the partner, but a lot about the person who is working hard on changing his/her partner. Why are you trying to convert your partner? Are you driven by an obsession to control? Why are you convinced that his/her way of doing things is not the right way? Do you have a feeling that you “know better” or are ‘superior’ to them? Why do you think your perspective is the best or only way “things ought to be”.

Regardless of the reasons one resorts to in trying to change your partner, it often doesn’t work (unless of course your partner has identity crisis and as a result he/she is willing to accommodate anything you want in order to be loved and to retain the relationship) Trying to “change” your partner usually ends up with opposite results: anger, blaming, endless arguments, mutual insults, and a growing distance between you two.

What usually works is to change yourself. You might need to adjust your views, change your stand point or generally devise new ways of coping with the nagging complaint in your partner. The good news however is that you can positively influence your partner. Real change happens in people only when they have a conviction as to why they should change. So if what you are seeking is to see a long lasting change in your partner, you can’t nag them into compliance.

If you are you convinced you believe in a particular ‘idea’ that your spouse doesn’t share the same passion in, then continue to model what you believe. If you model your beliefs long enough and the benefits are glaring, then your partner and in fact all the people around you will soon join in on your belief. But mind you, it takes time.

Give up trying to change people, accept people, help them see the best in themselves, give them wings to fly. You will be loved and appreciated for it.